My Fun Loving Barbie Gurl Kelly..

Today was the day I discovered my maternal instinct in its most active and complete gear. As much as I was hyped to be the normal outraged mummy whose daughter left her without a hitch on what is going on, I held my composure as a mature thinking adult to enable a god-inspired calmness to overwhelm me whilst confronting the delicate and sensitive issue of a run-away daughter. Moved by a strong desire to halt the vicious contemplations of the mind and the persistent reports, I bravely decided after Razak’s wedding gig on Sunday 24th Nov. 2013 12.30am to take a slow drive to Kuala Kedah. We brought Puteri Ruzanna & Megat Abd Rahim with us to enable a quick school holiday get-away. With a mere RM500 from the earning after the gig and RM100 in the purse, we made out for the adventure with our old loyal and trusted 20 year old Mazda 626. We reached Kuala Kedah in time for the 9.30am ferry. All new to the experience, we had our car parked by a so-called parking attendant well away from the terminal at a covered parking lot for a fee of RM60 for 2 days. Before anything can happen, we were swiftly taken off by the feet by a self-proclaimed agent by the name of En. Zainal (Cikgu) who talked us into paying a 20% deposit for a 2 day stay in a chalet at Grand Beach Motel (sounds too good to be true) for RM170 a day and a 2 day hire of a Viva at RM140. We sincerely trusted the arrangements and relented that we were in good hands. We paid for our ferry tickets @ RM23X3 + 17= RM86.00 and boarded for our 1 hour 45 mins journey to the Island of Mahsuri. Our mission to seek our fun loving Barbie Gurl Kelly and adventure to the legendary land of Mahsuri has begun.. The Ferry Ride was smooth but uncomfortable as it felt like we were riding with the labourers and villagers. We had to bear the brunt of fishy odours and unbearable BO for the whole journey, not to mention loud speaking passengers having a never ending conversation for all to eaves drop. Not seeming out-rightly arrogant. but I was particularly irritated that I paid RM23 per head to endure this. Regardless, it was an experience. We arrived at the island jetty/terminal approximately at 11.15am. No VIVA Rent A Car Mr Rosli appeared as assured by Cikgu. Nevertheless, we walked to the front of the building where KFC was to inquire at the counter. My hand-phone battery was totally discharged. I was unable to make any calls until we entered KFC to have a shared snack plate and drinks whilst getting the phone charged. We hung around for almost an hour before VIVA Rent A Car Mr Rosli finally appeared. He led us all luggage carrying passengers and children walking to the car park to a car where he drove us to his so-called office (in a shop selling pre-loved jeans) to get the promised Viva. Another round of waiting and we were ultimately handed the keys to a WIRA. Phew ! Razak drove the car as we were verbally instructed, all the way to Pantai Cenang. It was a beautiful ride taking us through a scenic view of naturally preserved surroundings. It wasn’t difficult to find Grand Beach Motel. Even though our expectation was a little down trodden with the in-housekeeping and services, I kind of liked the quaintly built chalet which was situated directly in front of a white sandy beach and turquoise green sea. We were in easy access to all of the other guest houses and bars along the same. It made our mission much of a simpler task. We were all terribly exhausted from the drive, ferry ride and waiting. We refreshed and took a much-needed rest after checking into Grand Rm No. 10 Lower Ground. At about 5pm, both Razak and I took a drive down to Aseania Resort & Spa on our first endeavour to locate Kelly. To our amazement and disappointment, we were told that she was not under their employ. Now where do we head, and what do we do next ??!! Our cash in hand was left to only RM10 in one ringgit notes. We were in panic mode. How are we for meals and how are we to go home after??! We made some SOS calls. We enabled an advance of RM600 for a recording session scheduled next week at RTM from Eliza. Syukur Alhamdulillah.. In excitement, we woke the children up. We packed them into the car to look for a decent place to have dinner after checking in vain on the whereabouts of Happy Hut Guest House (the only lead we have to look for Kelly). Finally we just walked into Papadom Ria and had Cheese Nan, Humus and a shared plate of Chicken Briyani the first meal for the day. Razak managed to treat himself to a whiff of an Arabic concoction of Shisha in its true tradition prepared by a Palestinian, Mohamed. Meantime, still adamant about not informing Kelly we were there, Puteri had a whatsapp conversation with her whilst trying to coax her into telling us where she is exactly. After Papadom Ria, we walked along the Cenang Street to ask the locals where Happy Hut is located. Finally we were told of the exact whereabouts and headed there. True to its name, Happy Hut is a simple hippy cultured managed guest house with a happy go lucky ambience. It is very much hidden from the hussle & bussle of the Cenang Street and owned by Zee, a young girl from KL. It took us a while to realize that it is only a stone’s throw from where we stayed at Grand Beach Motel. As I walked in through the door, I was met by a group of young ladies seated on a mat by the reception counter of the guesthouse. I asked one of the girls whether she knew my Kelly. One other girl who was lying down behind her, was obviously startled to hear me and immediately stood up upon realizing that it was me. She was none other than the best friend of my Kelly, Shameela! So, I’ve hit the nail on the wall and voila, I have discovered their hideout. First task of the mission solved! Not wanting to interrogate after the emotional greetings, I was told that Kelly doesn’t stay in Happy Hut. She is at Amzar, Almost instantly, Shameela instructed one of her other friends to get the motorbike. She then drives off telling us that she is going to do an errand and will locate Kelly. The time was 9pm. We walked over to Sunset Beach Resort to chat with the front desk receptionists and used their washroom. We were informed that Happy Hut had a questionable presence in the street after its existence 3 months ago. They observed that the guest house was managed by a young girl who had a group of girls also staying in the same house. Many of their occupants were back packing foreigners who were loud and unruly. Obviously the locals were not too happy of their infestation. One of the ladies’ recognised my Kelly and told us that they have not seen her in the past month. They acknowledged that Kelly was probably an occupant of Happy Hut for a short while in the months earlier. Shameela requested that we waited for her and so we did at the nearest street café where we had our round of Ice Lemon Tea & ‘Teh” Tarik. It was 9.20 then and we decided to wait until 11pm to meet Kelly or for her to show up after all. It was exactly 10pm when we finally saw her literally running down the street, beaming in a happy smile, screaming in joy at the first sight of us! She came first to me, hugging and kissing like she has not seen me in a thousand years. Puteri & Adik was overjoyed and as she sat down after the greetings, the excitement cooled off to a serious conversation and a sombre confrontation. I began to narrate on the reason of our sudden appearance and spontaneous decision to travel to seek for her in Langkawi. Slowly, I went on to ask her why she had to lie about her employment and whereabouts or activities. Surely, I began to unravel the truth of her migration and intentions. It was the maternal instinct after the usual barricade of selfish emotional ranting I made known to her and her simple and yet innocent admission to her mistakes and reasoning for her decision to be where she is. She confessed that she only took up the employment at Aseania for a short stint and didn’t like the office politics. She is no longer working up to the time I saw her. Kelly spent the night with us at Grand Beach Motel. We walked by the beach and went to Ilyas’ Place to watch a 3 piece live band. We had pineapple juice, coca cola & sprite with Nachos on the sides. We met Hisham the regular drunkard who amused Adik and us with his drunken antics. After this, we walked back to the Chalet. Both Razak & I decided to bunk in whilst Kelly and her adik2 took the car to have their time out. I have yet to hear the story of their time together from Puteri. I am sure they enjoyed it. The next morning we were up early. We checked out of the Motel hoping to get into another at a better price. All of us wanted to stay another day if the cost of a guesthouse can accommodate the amount of cash we had left. We had breakfast at a Mamak stall with Razak having Cheese Naan and the rest of us Nasi Tomato. After this, we headed out to check the cost of staying another day at another guesthouse. We didn’t realize that it is the Peak Season in Langkawi and the prices are a lot higher than when it is low season. We checked Melati Tanjung, Mali Best, The White Lodge, Sunset Beach Resort, AB Motel in vain to find that rates were not anything different or cheaper than it is at Grand Beach. Not wanting to waste time, we drove to Pekan Kuah and drove through the Mahsuri Musoleum. We didn’t get to view the inside of the same as there was cover charge or which we obviously couldn’t afford. We would have also gone to Telaga Tujuh Waterfall but didn’t get there. Instead we drove to Cenang Mall. There, we reluctantly sold my Samsung Grand Duos Hand Phone for RM450 to top up the cash in hand that we are left with to enable us to go home by 4pm the same day. We had lunch at Old Town Coffee in Cenang Mall, visited Underwater World Duty Free Shop and strolled along the Pantai Cenang Street together before going to the beach for a drink and enjoy the sea breeze. We left the beach at 4pm, sent Kelly back to her house and made out to return the rented Wira and the Ferry Terminal. We managed to buy tickets for the 6pm ferry at the same price as before and to our amazement, we boarded a very decent ferry with nicer interior décor and more exclusive service. Talking about being had the first time we arrived. The sea was a little rough as the ferry swayed against the waves. We felt a little and almost sea-sick but we finally arrived at the Kuala Kedah terminal safe and sound. Alhamdulillah. On arrival, we had to put out a search for our parked car, as the parking attendant that issued the receipt on recommending the shaded parking lot is nowhere to be found! A kind taxi driver, assisted us and we finally found the car quite well away from the terminal but all intact. The only unfortunate thing is, we didn’t get back our used parking fees for the next day. Regardless, we embarked for our journey home. After a few stops to rest along the way, we arrived home safe and sound at 6am Wed 27th November 2013, all mission accomplished. As I See it, From the Eye of a Mother It was all so heart wrecking to first lay eyes on my Kelly as I watched her running down the street obliviously innocent, totally emotional to discover the surprise of having us come all the way to meet/seek her. I could feel that she waited for the attention that has cost her so much to earn. I saw the hurt in her eyes as she discovered how mistaken she was to have lied about working and where she stayed. It hurt her even more when I mentioned about the assumptions made over her situation from the people she loved back home, especially the assumption on what she would be doing or is capable of being influenced to do. She began to tell me in not so many words, answering to the questions and conclusions we have made about her. I felt totally wrong for doubting her as my daughter and flesh and blood. I felt very disappointed for thinking that she would do the things that have been implied to me that she would do. I should have known her better. Knowing me, I would have done the same for all my children and not only her. I will be the first to run and deal with the situation and hear the story from the horse’s mouth. I watched her for the whole time that I had her, basked in the beauty of Langkawi, the laid back culture and easy living. I have always known Kelly to be a very sensitive, dream lover and creative person that she is. It is a nature that is complex and yet very simple and innocent in character. She lives by her own rules, has her own mind and is determined over her ambitions/needs. She is a hopeless romantic and has a very loving and extremely private and very sensitive soul. She can live with minimal needs to enable her to enjoy her freedom and has the least expectations. I know of her nature from the time I took her back from her father way back when she began to stay with me in her teenage years. She began her journey and adventures then. She took leave from her father and stepmom to be a part of my life as her mother. She relented to all the misadventure and contributed to her share of sacrifices. As she finished elementary school, she expressed her intention to study as a Graphic Designer. As parents, we consented and enabled her to realize her ambitions. She wanted to stay in the hostel and we consented. As it were, the hostel had an incident of mass hysteria, so she came home to commute for classes every day. Time passed and Kelly was not happy about SEGi College or the course that she was pursuing. She asked to move on to study Business Management on the advice of her dad. She could have taken it anywhere in KL but decided to be in MMU Melaka, her second adventure away from home. We relented, totally submitting ourselves to Allah to guide and protect her. Kelly went through a tumultuous three years in Melaka coming home every time she could during weekends. This was then not too far for me to intervene and made it happen for her whenever she needed me. Kelly had to repeat one paper in her final year and on completion she came home only to stay for a month before she decided again on her next adventure. This time, she wanted to follow her friend Shameela to stay in Langkawi. Her endeavour was to be able to seek independence, enjoy her freedom and help her mummy financially when she is settled at work. I made sense of what triggered her to do this despite assumptions that she is following her heart over another love affair. She stayed at the Happy Hut Guesthouse temporarily until she found a place of her own. Shameela helped her financially for starters. She is not sharing her place of dwelling with any man and is not involved in any back street activities. She is just living day to day, enjoying her independence and freedom, picking out to help her friends in odd jobs before getting a fulltime employment in a proper office/organisation. She is not bar hopping either because there is not much of anything at the bars that can be so exciting. She doesn’t drink and she swears that she doesn’t do drugs or solicitation. She brought me to view her house without the need to hide anything from me and nothing in the house tells me that she is sharing it. The sadness for me is to know that she is living in the minimal when she could have a room with all the amenities available to her for free at home and a lot of love that comes within it. The Motherly Instinct & Analysis Khaleilah ran away from home. She was hurt by all that was said and assumed of her. She wanted to get away after all the studying in Melaka and the bad experiences. She couldn’t take the pressure of expectations by the family. She just wanted space. Not forever, but at least for a good while to get her composure. She wanted the privacy and she wanted the respect. She found herself in Langkawi and she loved the comfort it provided where she could be herself. We were constantly barricading her with abusive emotional words and hurled inconclusive assumptions about her most innocent intentions which left her inexpressive to express how she truly felt. We abandoned her when she needed us most. We shut down from listening to her inner being. We were only interested to achieve what we wanted of her. We didn’t want to accept that she had grown up into the young lady with an ambition or her very own wishes for her future and life. I put myself in her shoe, as a very spontaneous decision maker as I am and her mother whose blood runs in her, I would do the very same. I had to leave before the cash ran out on me again the next day although my heart wrecked for not being able to stay another day as planned. The heart was heavy and emotional to leave Kelly without having to hand her more than RM20. As I left her house, I had mixed feelings. I wish I could just wrench her in the car and bring her home but it would be disrespecting her and her newfound happiness and freedom. She was just another individual who wanted her stories told with pomp and colour; maybe not in a journal or a novel but at least in her day to day diary for her private time capsule. I said my farewell with hidden sadness and tears welled in silence. Letting go is hardest for any mother but it may be for the best of both. To me and the family, I say let her be and send her blessings with sincere prayers so she is unharmed and constantly guided. I say let her be so she can appreciate the family’s consent, respect and understanding for her decisions. I say let her enjoy her freedom and independence so she learns from the trials and tribulations. I trust and believe in faith that she will not let us down. I trust and believe in faith that she will carry the family’s traditions. I trust and believe that she will come home in good time and we will discover herself as a newfound individual with a character that we can be very proud of. She is family, she is our flesh and blood and she is a part of us we can never shed. Wish her well ! We have wronged her for judging and assuming. We have wronged her for thinking that she is bad. We have wronged her for intruding into her privacy and making her look like a criminal She is just my young girl Kelly looking to be herself. If she comes home to us, we are blessed for she still has respect, love and bond with the family. Receive her in forgiveness and open the books for a new volume and chapter without ever looking back at the past. Allah will open the path a lot wider for us as a united family in the future. My dearest daughter Nurkhaleilah Diyana .. I have never restricted you to having your freedom. I believe that everyone should have their life experience as they so please. I have never once neglected to think, feel or care for you. In my difficult moments, in my sickness, I have always had you in my thoughts and prayers. I gave you all of these, in the hope that you will always remember my advice and principle values in life. I gave you all of these too, in the hope that you will remember how special I am in my personal attributes or the way I bring up all of my children, as special individuals too. I don’t shower you with wealth or material, but I believe in showering you will all my attention and affection. I would rather be remembered for the love that I give than for all the material wealth that I can leave behind. It is everlasting and I know if I can realize this, then I will live in the hearts of my children forever, especially you because you remind me of me…. Remember that Ayah and Adik-Adik all love you; your sisters and brother too. I reckon I should say Daddy loves you fiercely too. Don’t ever discount this even in the moments when you think you have been betrayed but their slightest moments of anger or show of words. They all mean well. They and I am concerned about your well-being. We are concerned about your heritage and fear that you may drift to discard the values and traditions we have brought you up with. We do not want you to sacrifice your reputation or the family’s because of your desperate need to seek your independence. We do not want anyone else to misconstrue or judge you indifferently. We are also worried about your safety and a whole barrage of things…the list goes on. We now have to let go in the name of your happiness and just keep praying. You have completed your mission to run away as you have always wanted to do. Langkawi is far enough girl, because further than this will kill me from having you away even if 4months is just a short duration for you. My love for you is unthinkable. Remember that. I will always be there for even when you are in the pits of hell to exchange places. What hurts you, hurts me, like if you were pinched, I will feel it too. I could feel your heart break when you lost Izwan, I can feel you when you miss me and I can feel your depression even when you are 1,500 km away from me. I will ache when you are unwell and I will be in pain when you are. Remember this! If you feel the same as I do, you will come home by the 31st of December 2013 as promised, with a renewed vigour and start your life with the family on your terms and new aspirations. I pray you will then be blessed with a future meant for you as written by Allah in Loh Mahfuz even before time. InsyaAllah.. From your one & only and ole’ Mummy, with hugs, much love & kisses ! My dua for you, “Robbij’alni Muqimussalati wa Min Zurriyati Rabbana wa Taqabbal Dua”. Please don’t forget your responsibilities as a muslim and your daily solat. I place my trust that you will not disappoint or put me and the family to shame. I have always known that you were special and will be exemplary to your younger siblings. I have forgiven you and will always forgive you, for as long as I am your mother, for all eternity. I have the least of time in your youth to be with you and I don’t know if I can be there for adik-adik as much as I have been for Kak Aina, Kak Gja, You & Wok. Be thankful that I can still brave the journey to seek you. I am not getting any younger and there will be a time when I will just wait to see you. Time is precious and life is short..