In memory of my darling Rafael..

As per the calendar it would be exactly 31 days since you left us, a good full moon/month. You would be exact 3 yrs 19 days today since your last birthday on the 8th July 2011.

We miss you Abang…

It has come to dawn on us if we could have done better in terms of giving you the extension of time to survive longer than had been anticipated by the medical world. We are starting to feel guilty. I wonder if anyone could comfort us over this. We know only God knows the underlying truth of your illness, the treatments given and why you suddenly left us. Yes, we have to relent and we keep telling ourselves this. We try to console ourselves that we have done the best. All this battle of feelings we breezed through and it was easier in the first week. It doesn’t get any easier the next week and after or now. It gets to the core of the heart, pinching the very nerves of our living being as we come to terms of the reality of your moving on and eternal departure. We have to live through this pain for as long as before our time is up. The waiting is longer as we anticipate the Day of Judgment before we will know if we can see you at all.

Every possible question comes up to us in the most quaint manner as in.. Abang :

Where are you now ?
What are you doing?
Do you remember to come see us sometimes or are you too preoccupied with all the happiness and love you are getting from the after world and His Al Mighty ?
Would you pray for us?
Would you remember us?

All this and more…

Every nook and corner, every resemblance from the genes you inherit, brings about shock tremors to our heart and memory of you. How do we recover from this? It’s so easy for everyone to say, “Be strong, relent and say a prayer “. It doesn’t quite heal save for that moment. The feeling of knowing that we have lost you all comes rushing back and we can’t resist the insurgent rush of emotions. Crying is the only reflex we have been born to express ourselves with and relieve ourselves from the unexplained craving over our loss of you.

I personally sent you off and I imagined you on the colorful tribute balloon. You smiled at us and said your farewell to your favorite Aunt in a manner most could not have imagined to be true, but you did. If there was a way we could turn back the hands of time or go into a time machine to just be with you a little while longer, we would strive to enable that.

We just have to go on praying that you are in a better place amidst saints, angels and the presence of Allah enjoying eternal happiness and joy.

Al Fatihah..


In the name of god, the most beneficent, the most merciful
All appreciation, gratefulness and thankfulness are to Allah alone, lord of the worlds
The most beneficent, the most merciful
The possessor of the day of recompense (i.e., on the last day of judgment)
You we worship, and you we seek help
Direct all of us to the straight path (i.e., to the way of Islam)
The way of those on whom you have bestowed your grace, not the way of those who have earned your anger, nor of those who have lost their way and are astray

My inaugural experience amongst the rock musicians & giants of the local music industry…

I felt it in my bones to record this whilst I had the words to express..

I have been singing seriously since the hay-days of Ray Fabee & Brothers & Soul. I was mostly in the R&B Jazz genre circle, followed as an observer and audience whenever Razak had jammed sessions at functions where Blues Gang, Po-E, Lord or Search was playing; never quite mingled with the fraternity. Honestly, I felt a little inferior if you might say so.

Last night, Sunday 17th July 2011, both Razak and I were invited to perform with Junk Secret (on a serious note, I don’t know why the band was called such), Dr Faza Yakin, Dino & Arab for yesterday’s Red Rooster Club Reunion. I was privileged to be given a slot to deliver one song. I must say, it was a historical and meaningful event for me. I have been invited for many such appearance, not even comparable to the opening act I did at Laura Fygi,’s concert sometime ago, but believe me, I was indeed astoundingly honored to be a part of this congregation and mini concert.

Perhaps it is my reserved and formal upbringing. Perhaps it is also because I am in between the corporate and music world that I exude the aura of arrogance (I must admit). Perhaps it is because I don’t indulge in the pleasures of the normal musician save for my fierce passion about music. I don’t know.. I really feel I don’t fit. They don’t seem to give their consent in accepting me. Even the crowd seemed estranged and couldn’t feel my existence. As the night unfolds, the crowd streamed in, in trifolds and I became a total nervous wreck to top off my feelings of not being accepted and crowded with inhibitions.

But….

The moment I was announced to step up the stage, I could sense a short pause of minute silence as though everyone was saying, hey, could this be a grave mistake ?! Did the MC announced correctly ?

As Razak gave the intro, I became, as usual, lovestruck as he had initially Killed Me With His Song a long time ago, and I just gave in to my feelings and rendered my song the way I knew how. It felt as though I was pouring out my guts into the audience. It was the music from my heart and from my soul. The melody just flew out like waves flowing into the shores from the ocean. I couldn’t make out anyone from the stage. It was like I was singing to myself.

Suddenly the camera shutters went crazy and I couldn’t make out what was happening in front of me. Whatever it is, it felt good. As I concluded my last verse giving a satisfied climax to my song, I heard the applause. So, I am not that discounted in my ability or talent. Thanks to all ..

As I descended from the stage, and disappeared into the crowd., yet again, I became the invisible component of the congregation.

Nevertheless I felt satisfied that I have contributed my sincere musical expressions to the cause of the Red Rooster Club Reunion. More importantly, Razak was not disappointed, embarrassed or unhappy.

The performances showcased throughout the night cannot be singled and appraised as one being better than the other, because all of them were simply articulate and original in their forms and presentation.

Being an inaugural revive of the TRRC Reunion, I am very sure that the next event will be even more glamorous and guaranteed worth waiting for with more surprises and participation from the local music performers and artistes.

I would look it up and wait anxiously for the next flight to TRRC Reunion.

Just my 2 sen

Tita Razak